Being a member of Denver’s best (and only) all girl sketch comedy group, I get the chance to express myself in ways that being Denver’s best (and only) folk singer named Chella doesn’t allow. For example, I get to twirl my friend around onstage while he pretends to be a life-sized doll. I really get to peel the layers, man.
The following piece is from last week’s show where we gave advice to ourselves. I liked mine a lot. I thought You might, as well.
Oh, and before you get all snarky on the outfit I’m wearing in my senior picture (above), remember that the year was 1996 and I lived in a small Wisconsin town. OH!
AND by the time that photo was taken, I was already crowned an honest-to-God beauty queen.
Michelle, I come to you from sixteen years in the future.
No, this isn’t some extension of your last acid trip, I’m really real. And I’m not here to spazz you the fuck out but, instead, to give a few pieces of advice. Now, they might not make sense to you presently but, trust me, you’ll be super excited to have this knowledge someday.
1. So, you stopped taking guitar lessons because you fell in love with your much older guitar teacher and he broke your heart thereby ruining the guitar as a whole for you, right? Well, I’m sorry to report that, over the next sixteen years, you will meet and fall in love with many men who will completely destroy things you once loved so just suck it up and learn how to play barre chords. You will need this skill to both further your aspirations of musical success AND lessen your reliance on douchebags musicians.
Which is a nice segueway to…
2. Do not join a jam band upon moving to Colorado. Seriously. You will not only ruin your 20s and your credit score, you will also write some extremely embarrassing songs and be forced to sing them every few years for the rest of your natural life.
3. Never, ever, ever touch cocaine. Yes, you’ll finally be skinny but no one will talk to you because you’re an awful asshole.
4. Start listening to Ryan Adams immediately. Trust me, you are going to love his music and it will continue to bring you joy for years to come. Also, in 1996, he’s 21 years old and kind of a mess. You could totally hit that. Plus, if you’re working on your barre chords like I asked you to, you guys could be the next Emmylou and Gram and then all that jam band shit won’t matter anyway. Ryan Adams. Please hit that.
5. Stop smoking cigarettes. Not to sound like mom but you’re totally ruining your voice and she’s right. In fact, she’s right about a lot of stuff so go hug the shit out of her and tell her she’s awesome because in the not-so-distant future, you’ll only see her once, maybe twice a year and that will break your heart more than any boy ever could. Give dad a big hug, too, and tell him he needs to cut back on the Chicken-Q Chicken. For reals.
6. Maybe don’t get that Phish tattoo.
Michelle, you’re a super special girl. Don’t ever let anyone make you feel otherwise. Keep your head up, appreciate where you’ve come from, and, godddamn it, learn how to play barre chords.